September 2009

September 30th 2009 – I want, no need, to say I am sorry to those of you who have left voice mails, text messages, cards, notes, and e-mails recently.  I have not been able to return messages lately.  I am having such a hard time dealing with all the things going on in our lives, and the lives of friends and family, knowing that Jacquie is not here to do those things with us.  Going out, shopping, Foundation functions, friends of Jacquie’s who are able to move on with their dreams of jobs, boyfriends, marriages, going out and partying, the list is endless.  And all these things, our lives, go on without Jacquie being here to follow HER dreams, go to HER kindergarten class to teach, go out with HER friends to restaurants and malls, planning for HER wedding someday. A mom was talking to me the other day, and was telling me how hard it is to be without her daughter, now that she is going to UB and dorming there.  She was telling me how much she misses her daughter- her “Buddy”, and doing things with her and talking with her, as much a s they used to  And the more she went on, the sadder I felt because I just wanted to scream at her “At least you can still talk to her and hold her and do those things with her!”  And then I think she realized what she was saying to me, and she stopped.  I realize she did not mean for me to be hurt, but the pain made my heart hurt so bad.   I do need all of you to know, that even though I don’t always get back to you, that the messages you send to us mean so very much, and without them, we would be lost.  Thank you to those of you who run, and walk in events in Jacquie’s memory.  Thank you to those of you who do fundraisers, or support our Foundation fundraisers.  Most of all, thank you for not forgetting our Jacquie, and for passing Jacquie’s story on to others.  We need people to know how important our goal is, and the more people who know, the better our chance of finding a cure.  We have more events coming up, and we hope they will be as successful as our past events, because we need to make Jacquie proud of us.  October 3rd is Jaacquie’s Clinic For A Cure, and gymnastic clinic to be held at our gym school, and “Jamming For Jax” to be held in Rochester.  On October 10th,  Mary Alices’s Dance Studio will host the 2nd Annual Dancers Give Back benefit for Jacquie’s Foundation, in Orchard Park.  Jill will be running in the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Institute Marathon on October 11th.  Pauline will have a team again this year to Light The Night in New York City (Rockford County).  And, the 2nd Annual Vera Bradley Holiday Party at The Perfect Gift, in Clarence Center, will be held November 19th through the 21st.  If you think you might be able to come to any of these and need more information, please e-mail us or call.  We can’t do this alone, and we MUST find a way to make this world cancer-free.  It is what we have to do for Jacquie.  We may not be Susan Koman, or Carly’s Club or Guilda’s Club, but The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation WILL be a name that people recognize, and people WILL know that Jacquie life was a very special one.  Thank you to all of you who continue to walk with us, hold our hands, and many times, hold us up.  Your strength becomes ours. My Darling Jacquie, how I wish you could help me get moving.  I am stuck.  I have no desire to do anything except what absolutely must be done.  The gym is empty without you, and I don’t like to be there.  I want to be home with you, away from people who complain about the most insugnificant things.  They don’t know how much they have.  They don’t realize what really matters.  They don’t understand how hard it is to be there, watching all the children YOU should be with, while they complain about the most petty things.  I just to be left alone, with you and my memories.  I love you, My Jacquie, and I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love, your mom


September 25th 2009 – I feel as though I am forever stuck, here in nowhere.  I go through the days, doing what I have to do, and resenting that I have to do things I don’t want to have to be doing.  I don’t want to have to be doing Foundation events, because Jacquie is not here to be part of them.  I still want to be doing them to find a way to save Jacquie, not just to be helping others.  I know that is so very selfish, and I am sorry, but why couldn’t our fight for a cure still be a fight for Jacquie to live?  The events are getting harder, I wish I could just hlep to organize them and not have to go.  No matter how many people are there, I feel alone.  I feel Jacquie’s absence.  I miss her laughter and her smile at places where I know she would make the world shine.  Her Foundation is a wonderful and incredible tribute to Jacquie and her life, but I doesn’t make the pain any less.  These days are hard to get up in the morning, and I feel as though I don’t know where I belong anymore.  I try to remember what Jacquie taught me, and I try to live that way, but the reminders of what is missing seem to be everywhere.  Yesterday,I picked up the Williamsville North High School yearbooks from the school.  The yearbook staff dedicated a whole page to Jacquie, and I couldn’t even read through it.  It hurt to know she isn’t here to see what her life has meant to so many people, some she never even knew.  I wish so badly she was stilll here fighting, and seeing how many were fighting with her.  I wish she could she was here to hear the admiration in people’s voices when they speak of her courage and determination.  I wish she could see the way people’s faces smile when they remember her smile.  I wish she could feel my arms around her, hugging her and loving her.  I wish the chair at the table wasn’t empty.
My Jacquie, my daughter, I love you.  I know I tell you that hundreds of times a day, but I need to make sure that you never forget.  I miss you so much, and some days I want so badly to be with you that I just want to scream and scream and scream.  I will keep trying to make your Foundation everything you dreamed it would be.  I will love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Your mom- I  love you


September 20th 2009 – 378 days. A moment ago. Forever. A daughter needs a mom. A mother needs her daughter.  Where are you, my Jacquie?  I will miss you and love you forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  I will love you with all that I am, and all that I will ever be- that will never change. Love, your mom


September 14th 2009 – Dear TJ and Torey- I thought this would be a good way to say thank you for all you have done and all you continue to do to help me deal with Jacquie being taken from us.  I know how hard this has been on you, and I know that it isn’t easy to stand by and not be able to make things right.  I wish I could find a way to ease your pain and make thing a little easier for you, but as we have all discovered, we have to grieve in our own way and in our own time. As the days go by, I see how much Jacquie’s absence has affected us in every aspect of our lives- what we do and say, what we wish and dream and hope for, and even what we wear.  Our new wardrobe consists of Tinkerbell and The Jacquie Hirsch For ALL Foundation shirts, and colors of various shades of purple and violet.  Our clothing has things wirtten on it like “Relay for Life”, “Light The Night”,  “Ride for Roswell”, and “We ride (or run) in memory of Jacquie HIrsch”‘  Our home is filled with pictures of Jacquie in every stage of her short life, with family and friends, and every one of them shows her with a huge smile and living life.  Our decor is every imaginable item you can think of with the word “Believe” on it.  All of them, gifts from family and friends that constantly remind us of the impact Jacquie had on so many people.  During this all, you two have been able to keep the business going, and even manage to start building your own, T.J.  The business that you and Jacquie discussed and planned, is well on its way to becoming your dream come true.  Jacquie was going to be your secretary, remember how you two joked around about her quitting, and you told her she couldn’t because she hadn’t even started yet?  I know how very proud she is of you, she always was and always will be.  Torey, somehow you manage to keep going, every day, in spite of all the problems and issues you have to deal with.  Your patience with people astounds me, and your ability to keep moving forward, when I just want to go back, gives me strength to get up for one more day. You both have been my rock and I love you  very much.  I wish I could tell you when I will be better, but I don’t know.  But just like I keep telling Jacquie, I promise to keep trying and not to give up.  T.J., you are doing an incredible job maintaining Jacquie’s web site, and I hope everyone who reads realizes how much time and work and thought you puts into it.  It truly is, a labor of love. To my Darling, Precious Daughter Jacquie, the sun is out today and I am thinking of you and seeing you with your long blond hair shinning in the sun and blowing in the breeze.  You have your sunglasses on and you are laughing and smiling and you are trying to let all of us know that you are happy.  I love you, Jacquie, T.J., and Torey, and I will- forever and ever and always, and longer than that. Love, me Jacquie, please take care of your newest little angel, Ella.  Look out for her, and teach her about love.


September 8th 2009 – There are no words to express our thanks to all of you who gave us the strength to survive this past year, and especially, this past weekend.  The cards, letters, texts, phone calls, flowers and gifts meant more than we can say.  They tell us that our Jacquie lives on, not in just our lives, but those of many other people who loved her as we did.  They tell us that Jacquie’s life was filled with meaning and love, and that those that knew her will never forget her.  They tell us that we will never have to stand alone.  And most of all, having so many people remember Jacquie tells us that Jacquie’s fight will never end until her dream comes true. 
One of the Ciao Bellas, Nicki, gave us a photo album the last time she was home from Hawaii.  As with all the other wonderful photo albums, picture frames, poems, and scrapebooks we have recieved from Jacquie’s incredible family and friends, this one meant so much to us.  Each and every gift Jacquie recieved, and we have since she was taken from us, is a reminder of the lives she touched and the memories she made, that will last forever.  I want to share the words she wrote to Jacquie on the last page.
              Secrets were never in your vocabulary.
              Frowns were not a part of your attire.
              Honesty was what you lived by.
              The body of the words that came out of your mouth,
              You taught us to believe.
              You were never afraid.
              We were always afraid.
              You gave us the strength that we needed.
              We use you as light when all we see is dark.
              You taught us to BELIEVE.
              Courage is not something we learn.
              It is what’s inside us if we have the power to discover it.
              You had that power.
              Pain never deterred you, you were always brave.
              How did you keep that smile?
              How did you remember to laugh?
              You were strong for all of us.
              You taught us to BELIEVE.
              You have a way about you
              That makes me want to be a better person.
              You always did what you Believed.
              You always said what you wanted to say.
              No one stood in your way.
              You always said “I love you”.
              You were never afraid to be you.
              You taught me to BELIEVE.
              To Believe in myself.
              To Believe in something greater and more powerful than me.
              To Believe that your fight had a purpose.
              And BELIEVE that you are living in each and every one of us.
             You won that fight.
             You are the teacher we always BELIEVED you would be.
              I will love and BELIEVE in you and me always.
              Forever grateful for you.
              – Nicki LaGree
To all of you, our dear family and friends, who continue to support us, fight with us, and hold our hands, we will be forever grateful to you.  Please know, that although are hearts will always be broken, your love love for the “4” of us will keep our hearts from shattering into pieces. To my Precious Jacqueline Elisabeth,  the pain continues.  It makes my heart hurt and steals my breath away.  I miss you more and more each day.  The questions go unanswered and the anger grows.  I miss you, my BFF, and I miss your laugh and smile.  I wonder, what will I do without you for the rest of my life, until I can be with you again?  Please come to visit me, so I can tell you how much I love you, and miss you, and need you.  I will be waiting for you in my dreams.  With all my love forever and ever and always, and longer than that,  your mom

September 1st 2009  I am lost, don’t know what to say or do.  I still continue to hope that I will wake up from this nightmare, and yet, I know that will not happen.  I cannot understand why Jacquie is not here. I cannot understand why she had to be taken, and why we are left with the questions.  I know that every other parent who has lost a child must ask the same questions, and wonder at the unfairness of a world that takes a child who is so very loved and needed.  As a mom, I thought I would have a lifetime to encourage TJ’s and Jacquie’s dreams, to take pride in their accomplishments, and help them to correct their mistakes.  I would be there for them, and be patient and forgiving, and support them throughout their whole lives. I would try to teach them kindness, affection, understanding and tolerance.  I would try to teach them to love, not to be afraid to show love or be loved.  I would try to always be there for them, to listen to what they had to say, and what they couldn’t find a way to say.  I would try to be there, when they hurt, to kiss away their pain and make them feel better.  I would try to be all the things my mom was for me.  And I would hope that someday, when they were parents, some of the things they learned from me, would be important enough that they would want to teach the same to their children.  I would try to make wonderful memories that would last a lifetime.  Why was Jacquie not given her lifetime?  Why will we spend our, asking questions that will have no answers?  To my wonderful children, TJ and Jacquie- my love for you cannot be compared to any other.  It will be unlimited, forever and will change only in that it will grow stronger everyday.  I will hold you when you cry, in my arms or in my heart. I will love you no mattter what you have done or said, or failed to do or say.  I will always try to give you hope, confidence, strength, and courage to do what might be considered unable to be done.  I will forever stand by your side, accept you as you are, and never ask for more than your love in return.   I will love you both forever and ever and always, and longer than that.  Love to you with all my heart, mom Happy Birthday mom/Bree